Tuesday, March 30, 2010

And now a word from the sky...

This is hilarious. Too bad we can't get MSNBC's Morning Joe Show in Canada.

This morning's news you can't use segment featured Kate Gosselin's blow up with her dance partner from Dancing with the Stars. She talks to her partner just like she used to talk to Jon. No wonder both have walked out on her.

Then they talk about Ricky Martin and have and important message from the sky.

Check it out here.

So unlike me

Last night while at the Hoof Cafe I did something very unlike me. I ate crown bacon, which is called crown because it comes from the brain area of the pig.

I ate 2 small bites. I didn't want to seem rude. It was a little slimey and not my style. My brother Tim who likes to eat gross things would be so proud of me.

I did enjoy the cheesy french potatoes, boneless pork ribs and serrano ham. Mmmm. Yummy!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Um duh...

Singer Ricky Martin has come out of the closest that Barbara Walters try to yank him out of 10 years ago. The 38 year old, adoptive father of baby twins announced today that he is "a fortunate homosexual man."

Congrats Ricardo! Let's watch She Bangs now to celebrate your favourite music video back in the straight days.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Marky "mean pour" Craig

Many of Brantford's finest had nicknamed me Marky "mean pour" Craig after a stellar bar shift at my childhood best friend's buck and doe this weekend. I know beer. I love beer. I know how to pour the perfect beer from bottle to glass and my clients were appreciative.

I love new nicknames. I also love seeing old friends from my hometown past. What a fun weekend.

Here are things I liked about a long overdue Brantford return visit.

1) Ice cream, Ice cream, Ice cream, Ice cream, Ice cream,
2) How my dad heard Laura and I talking about his stuffed potatoes and then he made them. Yum!
3) Mom's lasagna and caesar salad. Yum!
4) The bathroom in my parent's house my dad re-decorated. It's beautiful.
5) Riding around town with Josh all saturday. Josh ask me questions and I like to talk about myself.
6) The Buck and Doe and seeing Pat.
7) Cheese. So much cheese in my parent's fridge.
8) Matty V's girlfriend who loves Eddie Murphy and also loved my laugh. She said something funny bitch.
9) My dad studies wine trends and always let me bring home an award winning bottle. Yay!
10) Dancing with my sister Laura.
11) How at the buck and doe I was somewhat incharged of the door. No one can ever hear me when there is background noise. People got to choose gum and if the gum was coloured black they won a prize. I kept saying this to people but they couldn't hear me so they kept offering me gum. So embarrassing.
12) How everyone looks to me to start a dance floor. Holla.

Here are pics from the after party:

Here I can't remember what is going on. But some activity or person is definately giving me anxiety.

Here you can really see how I tower over a Brantford crowd. P.s. Every female in Bramtford seems to be pregnant. Brantford Baby Boom bitches.

Me being frisky with one of my fellow groomsmen, Nicole. Ba Ha ha!!!! I love how Pat has a lady groomsmen. They bought me an extra large shirt. I can now in small it was huge but I can save it for my fat years.

How did I not ever get beat up as a kid

Pictures were posted at Pat's Buck and Doe of me. Talk about geek. Here are some pics of me and my best childhood friend for the last 26 years This is us in grade 8 at age 13. My hands are already adult sized. Maybe that scared off the bullies. Pat is standing on a chair. I would've beat myself up if I saw that.

Now this is us in high school. Puberty does a body good.
And this is us now. One of us got skinnier....

Ice Cream Weekend

I had the best ice cream filled weekend. Friday I got Dairy Queen before my train. Then went home to find a dairy queen ice cream cake for my birthday. This was my first time home since then.

Then Saturday m sister and fellow ice cream fan, Laura to The Marble Slab in Brantford, Laura raves about it. I thought it was just okay, as my cotton candy ice cream tasted like strawberry. I returned it to be told that it was strawberry. I argued than I said "Fine!" and stomped out. Marble Slab is like a blizzard in hard ice cream form. You get to add in toppings. I chose cotton candy (aka strawberry) with pineapple. Then I had more Dairy Queen cake after dinner. Yummy!

Then when I arrived back in Toronto tonight I had dinner with my favvourite people and then since Turtles ice cream is $3.99 at Metro we had that for dessert. Yummy! Now that is a bargain. Thanks Michelle!

If I ever become lactosintolerant I would be very sad.

The pic above is my marble slab or should I say marble slap in the face.

Friday, March 26, 2010

This is good: Slava Vodka

Tonight at the new, nice LCBO by my parent's house they were sampling Ukrainian Beer and Vodka. The beer was good, I forget the name. But the vodka was superb! It was called Slava. It was actually featured on the CBC program Dragon's Den a few week's ago.

It was really smooth and yummy straight up. I recommend it. I am not a big liquor drinker but I could drink this on the rocks. It's rice based and filtered 4 times.

Today was a good day for free samples. I got mini eggs, trident layers gum, beer and vodka all for free. I think the vodka did make me a little tipsy as my dad and I went to get booze for a prize tomorrow at the Buck and Doe. My dad caught me screwing up what I was asked to get and then I got in trouble for being tipsy. Ba ha ha!

Slava is available at most larger LCBOs and is premium so it costs roughly $4 more per 750ml.

Best line of the week: Cankles

Last night I went out for drinks with my friend Liana from College. She brought along 3 work friends. One was named Chi, she was awesome. I think I liked her so much because she spent most of the night talking about how amazing and gorgeous I was. She liked the crazy life as well. That's always good when new people like it.

She fell the down the stairs (insert laugh), Liana did too but at the different place (insert laugh.) Chi's ankle got really swollen I was surprised she could walk. My friend Derrick who is gay was at the bar came and sat with us. Chi showed him her ankle and then asked when he knew he was gay. Derrick replied "I knew I was gay when I saw your cankle."

OMG! Amazing! I love fast comebacks. Don't know what cankles are? This is a cankle

There is no place like home

Yay! A much overdue full weekend back home in Brantford, Ontario. Since I like ranking things here are the top 10 reasons I am excited to go home:

1) My dad takes me shopping and pays.
2) There is always fresh, cut fruit in the fridge. Tonight pineapples and strawberries. Yummy!
3) Lots of stairs, running up and down stairs helps tucker me out.
4) Endless milk, cheese and ice cream. I love my dairy.
5) Lots of alcohol stocked and I didn't pay for it. Even better.
6) Get to hang out with Pat, my best childhood friend for the last 26 years.
7) I look forward to making it 2 consecutive visits that my parents don't find me passed out covered in blood or vomit. Long stories. I'll tell you in person.
8) The Marble Slab.
9) Being in Pat and Tiff's Buck and Doe
10) My sister Laura will share stories with me of stories of funny things her friends do. Such as a friend who called tonight and said "We lost our grandma" Laura gave her condolences only to be told that the grandma is not dead just misplaced. The Grandma was found she was just an hour late because she didn't set her clocks ahead last week. She lived an hour behind the whole last week. Ba Ha Ha! That's my kind of Grams!

B-R-A-N-T-F-O-R-D Let's go!

Bitch be gone

This is the end of our 3 pack of bitches. Ann Coulter has wrapped her University tour of Canada and left the country! Yay! I really don't like her. She is what worries me about the Conservatives in the States.

You can research how much of a retard she is if you want too. I am not dedicating anymore time to her.

Lates Ann!

Bitches be back

Monday was a great night, 2 of my favourite TV ladies came back. Nurse Jackie and The United States of Tara.

You can catch it OnDemand or Mondays at 9 on TMN if you pay for it.

Besides the amazing lead performances these shows have some of the best lead performances but also some amazing supporting characters, including Zoey, the pink croc wearing intern on Nurse Jackie.

Friday Falls: Bitch be drunk

I'm back! Took a couple days to enjoy life and the nice things it brings.

Now on with the show. Watch this drunk bitch fall off a table. There never a need for vulgarity bitch!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

More Glee

Fox released a promo today for the new season of Glee. OMG. Madonna episode is April 13. I think may die.


Thanks to the Fabulous Flay and her over excoted as usual email, that had the subject: CAN.NOT.WAIT.

Get 911 on standby for the both of us.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Birdie's Birthday Pinata

Just when you thought Birdie couldn't get any cutter.


Vice Pres Joe Biden drops the F bomb to Obama when introducing him to sign the bill.

What the F?

Just 3 weeks to go

(I don't approve the paraplegic jumping)
Yay! Just 3 weeks until the cruel relationship break the show Glee is having with me is back on. Fox is running viral Sue's corners online to help get people back in the mood. Here Sue talks about how she likes flashy gays not the Neil Patrick Harris kind.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Happy Birthday Angie

Another Bday. It's been a tough year for our little birdie. Her bestie moved away, a mentor quit her work, she found out most of her friends don't love gospel night which is one of her favourite nights and I failed to give her her own top 10 bday list last year. This year she gets a top 20.

Here is why I adore Angie:

1) She is so cute, she makes my loins burn.
2) She sits on my lap. Hubba huba.
3) She loves Pink.
4) She can channel Tina Turner and give me a lesson in dance.
5) We hold hands and skip down the street.
6) She likes it when I rub her heart chakra.
7) When shy and has to enter a room she asks herself "How would Queen Latifah enter?"
8) She makes my co-bff very happy.
9) When she orders poutine she asks for "Poutine Fries"
10) She calls me sugar. Just like the Pink song "Glitter in the air."
11) She taught me how to ask the universe for things.
12) She dresses incredibly. Marching band hats, cheetah vests, red and blue boots. Hot!
14) (I skipped a number. Superstitious.) She is rocking hot new locks.
15) She is one of the most creative people I know.
16) She brought Aleysa and Tobias into our group.
17) She makes good soup.
18) Just looking at her makes me smile.
19) She can piggy back me.
20) She says lurve instead of love and sno instead of snow. Cute.
21) She is super nice, cute, friendly, fun and sassy. Whata gal!

Happy Birthday Melissa

It's my cousin Missy's 24th Birthday.

Here is why she rules:

1) She will come out and talk to me while I swim in her pool.
2) It's fun getting drunk with her in the Super 8 hotel in Chinatown
3) She comes for visits.
4) She likes to laugh at me.
5) She makes my Aunt Pat very happy. We love Aunt Pat.
6) She likes good music.
7) We have fun times with her 2 brothers.
8) She is always up for food after the bar. Yummy
9) She likes the girlie pop. I do too.
10) She calls me her favourite cousin. That's always nice.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Friday Falls: Models

This would be me.

Hot times.

What is more fun than talking on webcams with your former drinking buddy who moved to Whitehorse? Not much.

Natasha and I had a great 1 hour chat tonight. We really make eachother laugh. I think we both woke up our neighbours from laughing so hard. There was a period where there was 10 minute laughs in a row.

It was fun. I laughed worked off my burger tonight. Here is a screen grab. Fun!

This is good: Allen's on the Danforth

Mmmmm! Yummy! Tonight the wonderful Winnie took me out for belated bday burgers at Allen's on the Danforth. As a Westender/Downtown boy I rarely go east of Yonge but boy I am glad I did.

For a pub that opened in 1987 they are now with the times and serve all organic. The burgers come from organic sides of beef in the kitchen. Best burger in a long time. Yummy!

The chicken wings were amazing too so were the sweet potato fries. What was nice was for once in a pub, the food exploded with flavor. It was nice. It was good. I wet myself.

I even got belated bday ice cream cream puff. Mmmm Yummmy!

Thanks Winnie!
I absolutely adore you!

Happy Birthday Aven

The wonderful Aven is now 2. Happy birthday little baby buddy. Aven lives in Nelson, B.C. so we have only met a few times but they have been fun times. I will try to make a full top ten list may be hard.

1) He likes to cheers. I like drink. Nuff Said.
2) He makes my sister, who I adore, extremely happy
3) He is cute, I am cuter, but he has time to catch up.
4) He has been the baby Craig for the last 2 years. This is coming to an end though in June.
5) He likes to read. I don't like to but I hear it makes you smart so that is fun.
6) He likes to laugh. I love to laugh.
7) He has modeled before. Me too.
8) He has curly hair. Ditto
9) He is a big boy for his age. I think he weighs more than me.
10) He gives cute wake up calls.
Happy Birthday little buddy. OMG! I can't wait to have kids! So fun.

Also bday shouts out to Barb at work. We love Barb.

Good, Great, Girlie

I think I will love this. I also love Marina and the Diamonds' song throughout the tralier.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Happy St. Patrick's Day

As a Craig, I don't need an excuse to drink. but if it is accepted I am going to take advantage of it. Today instead of wearing green I decided to wear teal. It says I tried but not too hard. Kind of like the dressing trampy but staying above the line of slutty.

Tonight I will wear green out. Here it is:
Erin go Braggh (or something like that)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Eww: Drunk old man outside my building

This is me. As you can tell I am not impressed.

Last night I was outside my building, it was early-ish. There was a drunk old men stumbling down the sidewalk. The neighbourhood drunks love me. I think it's because I am tall and often colourful. I am easy to see and point out when they are seeing 3 of me.

Last night's guy walked up to me and said "aren't you handsome?" and I replied "Thanks I will congratulate my parents." "Now I am not gay, you just got a nice look and friendly personalty." He said. I replied "Oh, no, you don't seem gay at all. No gay man would wear hiking boots on a city sidewalk when it's 13 degrees out I'm pretty sure. He was all "Well I thank you for saying that." Ba ha ha!

He then asked me what my name was. I told him. Mark. Then he said "Mark what". Then I told him my last name. Something I don't like to do with drunks who know where I live. I was completely sober too. I even told him the Polish long form of my surname which was shorten during WWI (or maybe 2, I am shit at wars which is sad because it's part of my heritage.)

Since he said bye Michael Curtis at the end of our conversation I think I am okay. (Calm down Laura, my sister.)

Anyhow, I don't know what came over me but I was quite a chatty boy. Then spit from a mouth full of black teeth slowly ejected from his lips, slowly flew into the air in my direction and landed upon my bottom lip.

I immediately ended the conversation. Ran upstairs and washed with lips hard with soap, then mouthwash, then toothpaste. This morning they were chapped. A lot.

Here is me happy again with Mya Pussy! Pussy makes everything better. Or how about a little pussy goes a long way. Ba Ha Ha!

Wheeeerreeee's myyy glaaaassssessss

A co-worker told me that my glasses situation was totally Velma from Scooby Doo. Hilarious and very, very true.

Scooby Doo was my favourite show going up and I am kind nerdy and dorky so it's fitting.

This was like me too:

It's really important to be able to laugh at yourself. Ba Ha Ha!!!!!!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Chat Roulette Piano Man

If you don't know what Chat Roulette is you are probably my mother. (Hi Mom!) Chat Roulette is a site that let's you video chat with random strangers. You don't like your stranger you next them to see something else. You will see everything imaginable. Don't do it alone. (especially you mom!) Just get drunk with friends and do it together.

This guy writes piano songs about his random chats.


Funny Typo

Today a co-worker noticed I had written out cavities cavatities. No that is funny. Cava-tites. That would be a good name for a stranger.

"Gentlemen, please put your hands together for cava-tities." She would probably have no teeth and look like this. (I couldn't find any bras with teeth pics but I did find this mashmallow bra that looks kind of fun. I love crafts. Step by step photos beside the bra.)

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Best line of the week: Specticle

I woke up this morning to a text from Angie saying "I heard you made quite a specticle last night"

Get it? Glasses. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Angie kills me!

There's no place like home...

When you are glasses and you belong on someone's nose. Last night while dancing I danced my glasses right off my face.

Then I went to report back to friends about what just happened when I demo'd the moves again only to have my glasses shoot off my face and going flying far beyond where the eye can see. Myself, my friends and even strangers were crawling along a gross, dirty dance floor trying to find them. I then went to the bouncer and got his flashlight. I was flashlighting the floor and found them under a table 30 minutes after the fact. I was really happy. I did a victory lap dance for all the people in the bar. They were really happy for me. I felt like I won the gold medal. It was hot.

Juat when I though I couldn't get anymore retarded. I did this and have proved to myself that yes, I can be even more spazzy than previously thought.

New rule for self: Hips shake, head doesn't.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Mark by Mel

My wonderful friend Mel gave me this amazing drawing she did of the photo below. Now she just needs to bring her tools over to hang it. Mel you are amazing! Thanks! xoxox

Video to my eyes

Get it. I have a feature called "Music to my ears" BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Stop telephonin' me-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E" New Gaga. It's 10 minutes long.


Mya Pussy and I made the photo blog site "Boys + Cats" this week. A website for cute boys and their fabulous pussys. Meow!

A former classmate suggested that Mya and I could rock the site. Thanks Watson! This could be our big break.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

ANTM, Cycle 14

New Cycle, 13 girlies, Makeovers on the first episode. Hey now!

Favourite line tonight from Western New York State Projects home girl Angelea, who was featured as a crazy bitch during the cycle 12 auditions.

Tonight bitch "I'm still Buffffffallllloooo, I'm still gggghhhhetttttttto." Damn girl! Tranny better chill yo.

Sadly, Andre Leon Talley was not featured in the premiere episode.

Co-workers take me out for Bday Dinner

Last night my favourite people between the hours of 9am-5pm only took me out to my favourite restaurant Utopia for some yumminess.

I had my favourite Burger, The Utopia Burger which is the works plus goat, swiss and cheddar cheeses, grilled egplant. zucchinni, roasted red peppers and sauteed mushrooms. The girls both had the shrimp and steak burritos and loved them.This is not the nicest angle of the restaurant.

Just enough time to play tiger paw inbetween apps and dinner.

Cake Surprise! Who knew Utopia did this? My face looks super skinny here. I look like a giraffe. Not cool. My sister Katie noticed the same over Skype on Monday. I still weigh the same. Just building muscle and apparently loosing face fat. Even my eyebrows are floppy when I wash my face do to lack of face fat.

Drunk Monica and messy Marky. That's a given. Hot Messes!

Then I went to karaoke at Baby Huey's and the talent was amazing. It's getting hard for those of us who suck balls at karaoke to find a place where bad people can feel welcome. Maybe that is for the best.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Music to my ears: New - New Young Pony Club

Yay! A new album from on of my top 5.

It's streamong on myspace.

Yay! Love them!

Party pics

Photos from my amazing post party at Naco Gallery.

We love the fabulous Flay

Super cute.

Mikey B is in the amazon.

Aww I love the Flay.

BGFF - Best Guy Friend Forever, Mikey B.
Best person ever.

Cutest person ever. Her hat was fun to dance with.

Awww. Best non lesbians.

Everybody dance now.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Can't wait to have kids part 2

OMG! If I had kids like this I would totally ship them off to talent school.

Super cute.

Great Bday

Thanks to my Fab 4 for my favourite meal on my Birthday. Mmmmm Yummy! Tacos. Michelle and I had a patio time at Ronnies after work. Amazing to be able to do this on March 8.

Michelle and Melvin made a delicious birthday fest of tacos for Me, Belle and Angie. It was so good. I loved it. Today is also International Women's Day. Fitting since I love my ladies.

Thanks for all the friends and family for the texts, calls and posts. I love you all. I am one lucky boy!

Melvin also got me ice cream. My favourite. You don't know how good I have it. OMG! I love my friends. Feeling accepted and loved is the best feeling in the world and my friends make me feel all that. everyday

Love you all!

My Love / Hate for bubble gum on friday

Friday was super fun with Mikey B at Big Primpin' at Wrong Bar. Although Mikey B was supposed to watch my beer while I left to use to facilities. Then I came back and took a sip of beer only to spit it all out over the floor of the bar. We were in a secluded corner but people probably thought I barfed. The beer liquid came out of my mouth. Then I reached into my mouth to pull out a wad of random stranger bubble gum. I almost died. I came very close to barfing. I then ruined Mikey B's night in typical Marky C style by asking him for hours repeatedly what type of communicable diesases I could get from this encounter. I was not a happy camper. Mikey B deserved it for not being a good watcher. I still love him though.

Then someone in the bar came up to me and said "You are the most stunner person in the bar tonight. I have been watching you laugh and smile with your friend all night (that was Mikey B.) You look so happy and it's absolutely cute and adorable but you seem shy. You shouldn't be shy. Everyone in the bar should be shy to come and talk to amazing person like you."

And then they walked away. Oh well. That's good for the ego. So I felt not so bad for the bubble gum.

Then I woke up the next morning and my new skinny jeans were covered in bubble gum all over the ass. "Shitballs" I said. Then I googled how to get gum out. It talked about freezing, lighter fluid, ironing, gasoline, salt. "Screw this" I said. I went to my dry cleaners at Bloor and Ossington and they weren't sure they could get it out but they did and it only cost me $3. They got a big tip.

How did they get it out? "High pressure steam" I was told. Amazing. I wore the skinnys last night and rocked them.

I now love bubble gum again.

Best line of the week: Torpedoes

Sam's friend at my wine and cheese soiree commenting on my dance moves:

"Oh my God, He's hips are like torpedoes." Damn straight bitch! I say.

I forget her name but have met her twice. Oh well! Birthday boys are allowed to forget!