Monday, August 31, 2009

My picnic table fall as read by Steven Hawking

So my eldest brother Tim thought it would be funny if Steven Hawking read the post about my fall. I made it happen and did my own special type of sign language for it. I think my sister Laura, who is deaf in one ear will also appreciate it. If not I will make a donation to deaf people as that is what seems to make me feel better.

Laundry mat peeper

So tonight I was doing laundry at my local laundry mat. I was in a comprimising position as I was bent over and some creepy guy took a photo of me. "Oh no he didn't I said." I then walked out of the laundry mat to see what the hell was going on only to see the photo creep running down the street, that is some F'd up S. So I drew a little picture.

Purging is good

I'm in the midst of a big clean and purge. As my mom says "it's good for the soul." I decided it was time to take down the party decorations for a party I had in late June. I kept them up at first because of the garbage strike. Then I started to like them. Then the balloons started to resemble what my testicles will look like in 50 years. Then I got nervous I took them down.

As family history would show, I will probably only have one ball and probably no prostate by then anyhow. Remember people to go for your yearly physicals and do monthly self checks in the shower on your balls and boobs. I do it every 1st and 15th (I go over board since I'm crazy about cancer.)

These are the bathroom balloons, they suffered the most.

My night with Reggie

Tonight I dog sitting my best guy friend and former roommate Reggie, the dog. We have a good time.

Reggie likes to carry his leash in his mouth. It's super cute and we always get stopped on the street so that's fun.

And here he is poopin'. Dogs always seem so embarrassed poopin when people look at them so I don't think he was fond of having photos taken.


Friday Falls: OMG I can't wait

This is amazing. I have never rode a mechanical bull but I am damn sure I could rock it.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Michelle's move

Here are some pics and video from Michelle's move today. It went very smoothly. Then I helped my good pal Rob move today and it also went very well. I'm a good friend.

Best line I've heard all week: Michelle's move

"I just lifted a box and dislodged my tampoon."

No dad, don't worry. it was not me who said this.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

I made some old lady's night

Last night I missed recycling a few weeks in a row and decided to sort all the alcohol empties for some one else's gain as they could take back for the return money.

Look at all this shit. Don't worry mom, I had a few get togethers over the past week. Not all me.

It's nice to be nice. I am gonna hook that old broad up all the time now.

How to eat chicken wings, Marky style

This happened on Tuesday but crochet, flossing and mah jongg kept me pretty occupied this week.

Here is my step by step directions to eating chicken wings cleanly and politely. My lovely back up dancer, Monica will be featured in this post as well.

Step 1 - Eat
Step 2 - Wipe on napkin, don't lick your fingers. Really, do you know where your fingers have been?

Step 3 - Use napkin to drink beer, finger prints on a pint glass are unsightly.

Step 4 - Use wet nap once done to pre-clean finger surfaces prior to doing the mandatory hand wash.

Step 5 - Make your company enjoy themselves and laugh.

Thanks Mon,

Duff's was okay, I have never been there before. I politely suggested my wings didn't have meat on them. I kept the skinny ones to the side and they gave my 4 more big meaty ones. I guess it's too what they say. The squeaky wheel gets greased. Squeak, squeak, squeak.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Friday Falls: Now you see him

Have a Happy Dooper Weekend,

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Best lines I've heard all week

Here is a good one I heard this week.

"You know when you cut your toe nails and they then smell like Parmesan cheese."

Monday, August 24, 2009

Dance move of the week: The Celebration

My baby momma, Madonna, just released a new single called Celebration for her double album greatest hits album coming out next month. This called for a dance. Stay tuned to the end for a special surprise. You won't be disappointed.

And now that you know the surprise, this was my first attempt. I was not so pleased with the props performance. Mya Pussy was appalled as well. She is one hard to please pussy...

Sunday, August 23, 2009


So my little blog which is just about me and my light hearted, silly and fun loving life has just reached it's 5,678th visit from over 1400 unique users. I think that pretty fan fucking fantastic. I am also being read in 46 different countries including Brazil, Kuwait, Phillipines, Singapore, Switzerland (I hope it's Shania Twain,) Kenya (who knew they had internet, I thought they just ran very fast very far since they win all the marathons.

Here are my top 10 Countries. Sad that my mother's motherland, Netherlands, has yet to view and Estonia has.

1) Canada (Thanks eh)
2) Australia (Thanks Katie)
3) USA (Thanks Mallory)
4) United Kingdom (I think this was probably Mel and Michelle from their visit last year.)
5) India (Who knew)
6) Brazil (I hope it was Lovefoxxx, singer of my favourite band, CSS.)
7) Germany (Prost)
8) Finland
9) South Africa (Mel, are telling your family?)
10) Ireland (Thanks you drunken bastards.)

See above for a map of all 46 countries that have visited.

This is why it's okay for me to post Friday falls

I often fall. I've said this lots and it's true. Saturday night, a girl named Megan dared me to jump over a picnic table in Trinity Bellwoods park. I did it once and it looked amazing (I assume.)

The second attempt was not so good. My foot slipped on the bench part on my side of the table. I then became airborne and went head first into the bench on the other side of table. I for the zillionith time should have been paralyzed. My neck bent in a weird direction then I rolled for what seemed like hours. I did get up quickly though. I always bounce back quickly.

I think another donation to spinal cord research is due. The last I donated was when I dressed up as Christopher Reeve for a dead celebrity party, head brace and breathing tube included, I then felt guilty and donated money. This was not the first time.

Below I drew a picture of the fall and took photos of my injuries (aka shamless semi nudity, which I am very okay with.)

Friday, August 21, 2009

Friday Falls: Plop

Have an amazing weekend!

Check this shit out

There was a funnel cloud right through Yonge and Bloor last night. That's some crazy shit. I was at a garden party when all the tables blew over some on to people and some drunk lady got nailed in the back of the head with airborne salad tongs. Then the party moved inside and the roof was leaking.

Check out the video, the song is not that good.

Fun with poles

This morning during a location scout for a commercial I am directing I decided it would be fun to take part in some tomfoolery at our location.

So naturally I straddled, grinded and climbed everything in sight. We took photos too since we had a camera for shot framing purposes.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Crack whores love me

Okay, so 2 nights ago I went to store kind of late to buy doritos (mmmmm, yummy.) There was some crazy bitch on the side walk who said that her mother was in the hospital and she needed 50 cents to call her. I knew that she was probably lying but I said I would give her some change once I got my chips. She waited outside of the store for me. I grabbed said Doritos and then gave the bitch her 50 cents. She then asked if I had a smoke for her. I did not. Then she asked me to help her up as she could not get up her self. She pointed a very dirty hand at me and then kept saying "Help me up, help me up." I got scared, ran away and told her no. There was no way that I was going to allow my bare skin to touch hers. So I didn't. Here is an illustration of how it went down.

Here is an old blog post from my old myspace blog about another run in with a crack whore.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Touched By A Crack Whore

It seems that all drunk and high people are magnetically drawn to me. Weekly I have crazy run ins with a lot of screwed up people. I am also known for my hate of germs and people touching me.

So to my disgust last week on my way home from drinks with my friend Ron at the Green Room and I ran into a crack whore outside my place who was defiantely cracked out and kepted wiping her nose with her finger.

She was all "Hey Baby, let me come up I will suck your [you know what] for $25." To which I reply "No thanks." Then she wipes her nose again and then rubs her finger down my bare arm (with the finger she just used to wipe her nose) and says "Baby, you cold, let me come up and warm you up." Now remember I hate germs and I hate being touched, especially by crack whores. I stuck my arm that was just touched straight out as to not contaminate the rest of my body and decide that although something really gross just happened I will hold my barf back. I tell her to "go away." to which she replys "Sir, you are not very friendly." Her pimp comes over so I still with my arm straight up in the air open my apartment building front door and go upstairs.

I filled the bathtub with the hottest water I can get and then I started scrubbing my arm with anti bacterial soap and a scouring pad. 10 minutes later I decide that all the crack head grossiness has been scrubbed away and I feel good enough to go to bed.

In conclusion, Crack Whores are gross, they are grosser when they keep wiping thier nose and grossiest when they touch you after they touch thier nose.

If you see a crack whore run before they can touch you.

Watch this: Top 60 ghetto names

I feel like I just watched a Maury Povich baby daddy marathon. This is hilarious. Check it out. Thanks Rob for the tip!

Music to my ears: New Radiohead single

Here is "These are my twisted words" from Radiohead's upcoming new EP. Great job Thom, us lazy eyed bastards need to stick together.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Happy Birthday Big Brother!

Happy 35th to my oldest sibbling, Tim.

Here is why Tim is awesome.

1) He is my favourite brother (sorry Dave, you have a few thousand car rides and dinners to go.)
2) He is married to one of my favourite people (Marcia, that's you.)
3) He is super funny in a smart type of way.
4) He gave me 2 adorable nephews.
5) He plans and calculates radiation treatment for people with cancer (that's nice.)
6) He was a good best man at Dave's wedding.
7) I was a good co-best man at his wedding (I fought hard for it and forged a smear campaign.)
8) He helps me with computer problems.
9) He got me to like the music of the cult.
10) He helped to build this machine, I can't remember it's name but it is helping the fight against cancer. That's super nice.

Birthday Love

2 of them today. First goes out to my favourite tall Australian Lady, Elle, who is celebrating in Europe tonight, Oh brother!

Here is why I love Ms. Bullen.

1) She is a yummy cook.
2) She is (sometimes) a good wing man.
3) She hosts True Blood Parties.
4) She loves to dress up.
5) She is super cute and available guys.
6) She swears like a sailor (fucking right) even at Michelle's dad when he brings deserts home.
7) She is one of the city's most creative copy writers.
8) We seem to do things together but separate (She knows what I mean.)
9) This bitch has an accent. I love bitches who talk funny.
10) If ever you need someone to have a drink with she will most definitely be on the Ronnies patio and have been there for hours.
11) She always has a big smile and even bigger hug (I love hugs)
12) If you need someone to tell you if you did something mean, she is your girl because she doesn't give a shit. If she disagrees. You've been a big asshole.

There are a lot more reasons too. I stopped before I reached the next number because I am superstitious.

Happy Birthday Possum!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Music to my ears: The Swell Session

Swell Session, The Oscar winning duo (did I ever tell you that not 5 hours after smashing 2.5 finger nails to blackened grossness that I won the Oscar Pool at the Beaver, it was SO worth it) have a free download from their new album to be released in October on Spinner.

Falling Slowly, the song they won the Oscar for 2 years ago is in my Karaoke repertoire and I loved their Oscar speach. I may have shed a tear or 2. Here is a link to it if you want to see it.

I saw them perform at Massey Hall a few months back. Amazing.

This was fun: Spraying randoms while dancing

Yesterday afternoon I had a really fun time dancing and spraying random people in the face with a hose. I briefly but wholeheartedly rocked that hose. I grinded it, I straddled it, I loved it, I made it mine. It was fun.

Thanks Jones for removing my kink.

This is good: New Doritos

I love Doritos. I talk about them on this blog in a way you would talk about your first love or first born.

I really do like them. I was pleased when I saw a new flavour of Collisions in the grocery store. Guacamole and Habanero. Since I know everything about Doritos I know that both these flavours existed before. Habanero is hot and guacamole is just okay. They would still be selling both if they were great. But I welcome the new flavour with open arms as I like them together.

Still my favourite Doritos endulgence, mix 2 parts spicy to 1 part zesty. Yum, Yum!

Swimming is fun

My pal Rob and I went swimming tonight since the city opened the pools for free until almost midnight tonight. I love swimming!

We went to the Bathurst and Dundas pool first but they had to close it because the lights were not working. Good thing Christie Pitts is close to. We hit that up. It was really cold water. We didn't last long despite the hot temperatures.

It was still a lot of fun. The city should do this every day.

i often fall: My first toronto bike fall

I had my first fall on my bike Saturday night in Toronto, after living here for almost 8 years. It's my fault. I was doing 3 things at once including talking on the phone and turning. I was asking for it. I was wearing my helmet (safety first) and I got up quickly and nearly injury free. I have a brusies on my elbow and hip.

Margot got her dress stuck in her bike and Joni helped her get it out moments before. That's funny. I drew a picture of the incident and show my injuries below.

It's not friday but this sure is a fall

It's a good one too.

Friday, August 14, 2009

It's 6 years since the black out

Where were you? I spent 4 hours on a TTC bus getting home from work from Scarborough stopping at every intersection (as in a four way stop.) Then I got drunk and watched the stars. Here is an illustration of me on the bus. I'm the one who is non stick and has muscles.

Dance move of the week: The I love you Mya

So I'm trying to do choreography with my cat, Mya Pussy. She isn't having any of it. So tonight I remembered when Isobelle and I were roomies, we would wrap her up in a blanket when she needed her nails cut. So I wrapped her in a blanket for this dance session. I think I am on to something. She lasted almost a minute.

The song choice is very fitting, Kelly Clarkson's My Life Would Suck With Out You! I had the volume up to loud so keep your speakers on low bitches.

Boy, I love pussy!

Although it may sound otherwise, no pussy was harmed during the filming.

Friday Falls: Price is Right Fall

This is funny. She is kind of chubby so that makes it a little bit better.

Have a nice hot weekend finally,
Get outside and enjoy it!


Oh Myyyyyaaaaaa!!!!!

We are going to play dress up when I get home. This photo has inspired me. Thanks Belle for sending it.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Monday, August 10, 2009

Dance move of the week: The Phsyical

So tonight I went to the jump for the first time in a week (so not like me.) I usually go 5-6 times per week but went to Montreal, then worked late in Scarborough and then drank away the weekend. This will not happen again. Since I'm directing tomorrow I needed to get pumped up for Game Day. It really helped I feel like a million bucks. So I decided I would try to motivate the masses with this week's dance. Mya Pussy was supposed to be involved but fell asleep so I let her be.

I cannot stress the importance of physical fitness. Get out and get active people.

Oh boy!

Did you guys see the lightning photos on the news from the storm last night. That is some F'd up S. I rode my bike home from the island in that and luckily since I am probably the most likely person you know to get struck by lightning, I got home safe.

Good thing my dad doesn't read my blog, he would have a shit show if he found out. Considering the fact that I wasn't allowed to cross our 2 lane street alone until I was 20 and also the last time he dropped me off at the train station he wouldn't like me get on the train without first removing the price tag off my umbrella in case I would venture back to the store where I bought it, they see the price tag and arrest me for shop lifting. I have lots more of these I will save for another day.

He should be proud though that I wore my helmut and my front and back lights were on.

I like being being helpful because it's nice

Today at work I noticed a pipe was leaking considerably in my office. So I sprang into action found a garbage pail and placed it under the constant drip and then emailed building operations to let them know about the leak and my efforts to catch the water.

I left before the problem was resolved but know the pail had enough free room for a few hours so I thought it okay to leave.

I arrived home to find an email from Building Operations thanking me for help in minimizing building damage. That was nice. All in a day's work. I drew an illustration of how it all went down. (I was wearing a tight shirt so I included the muscle imprints (exaggerated of course.)

Sunday, August 9, 2009

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I just found this one too!

Okay I think You Tube has refreshed it's fall inventory. Here is another awesome one. It's almost as good as grape lady.

Friday Falls

So as you know, falls are hard to find but I still love finding them. So whenever I
do it's still consider a Friday Fall. Here is some of what I found tonight.

This is why I keep my pole dancing to the classier, 2 legs always on the outside of the pole never wrapped around. That's slutty. Bitch needs lessons.

I love treadmill falls. This guy got served.

Here are some more.

Dance move of the week: DVD bonus features

Joni and I were looking through videos of me dancing on Friday and came across this one. I didn't even realize I was recording. This is what happens before I do a dance move of the week. I rehearse off camera, perfect wardrobe and tilt my glasses (a shooting trick we use to minimize glare from the lenses.

What a super fun weekend

This weekend was busy and fun.

Isobelle and I hit up the Sneaky's patio before going to my favourite restaurant, Utopia on Friday. Then some of us made it to wrong bar where Margot let me wear her wig on the way to the car on the way home. I rocked that wig.

Saturday I joined in the Aussies' marathon Ronnies session. I laughed a lot. So much so my abs hurt (good thing considering prior engagements this week made for a bad week of gym performance.) When I re-joined the Aussies' I got in shit for their face aches for making them laugh so hard. A) I only laugh when my friends are being funny. B) If you are suseptable to face aches don't make me laugh bitches. That's all. I met with the always fly Fabulous Flay (photo above) for a drink after the Aussies pussied out at their own marathon before midnight. Shame!

Sunday I had a great day on the island now the CUPE assholes will bring us there and had fun riding home in the rain, taking time out to warm up and dry off along the way.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Bitch better recognize

So I feel like I should be starring in my own TLC reality serious about stage parents who try to get their cat's to learn chreography. Mya Pussy is having none of that but the bitch will learn I think. Here is our latest try to the Pussy Cat Dolls, of course.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

My first garbage night in over 40 days. No more triple bagged cat litter in the kitchen! I'm so happy I could explode!

Now I can't wait for Friday night. That's recycling night on Bloor Street West. I've got 6 bags full in my kitchen. Fajitas are scheduled for Tuesday so I need the room.

I hope the losers of the CUPE union have enjoyed picking up 6 week old garbage and I hope you have to use all your banked sick recovering from rat bites and parasites Losers! (I am a bit bitter and annoyed.)

Karen O(MG)

Wowza! Last night was the Yeah Yeah Yeahs first of 2 Toronto shows. It was simply glorious! I had an amazing time. They played for an hour and 25 minutes usually I can only gurantee good behaviour even if I love the band, 3 hour Tori I am talking to you (but still love you!) I didn't want it to end though.

What an amazing stage presence the colourfully dressed Karen O had. It was amazing. I don't know a digital camera because I often get drunk and break them or others so I just stole some pics off my friend Joni's facebook. She got there early and got front row. Since I am such a tall drink of water I can come late since I have to go to the back anyhow. The benefit of this is that I get to shake my money maker.

This is Joni singing into Karen O's mic while taking a photo too. That's one talented bitch.