Sunday, May 31, 2009

Things I don't look that I see it the locker room at the gym

It seems everytime I go to the gym, which is quite frequently (can't you tell,) Some guy in the change room wants to make me vomit, gag, shower at home or run crying. Here is some of the offending moments.

1) Naked people in the whirlpool. I love whirl pools but do not want to hang out in a pool with a bunch of naked guys. I also do not want to sit where said naked people were just before. I have never done it.

2) Some people bring stools into the shower. No one wants to use a stool your bare ass was just on. I use these to tie up boots in the winter. Once I saw a guy put a toothbrush down on said stool, which had a naked butt on it and then put it in his mouth and brush his teeth. I left immediately, there was still shampoo in my hair.

3) Horkers in the showers. It's not okay on the street and it's definitely not okay in the shower where so much of me is exposed. I always (except one said time) wear flip flops. Now on to number 4.

4) Flip flops should always been worn. I sadly forgot them once. I sprayed with athlete's foot spray on my feet when I got home. It was a precautionary measure but it made me feel better.

5) The Steam room. I have seen people drink from the tap in the steam room. That's gross. Think of all the sweaty man bacteria all over that tap. There is a trick you can do with that tap in the steam room, you can use the tap to fill up a water bottle and squeeze the bottle so it shoots up a spout to activate the stream. Once the water bottle shot me in the eye (from a bottle that was probably drank from before and sitting in the bacteria ridden steam room.) Once there was no bottle so I man use his mouth to fill it from the tap. He then spit in the spout. I had to leave.

I am sure they are more reasons. I post them as they come.

Movie rental tip

I've been hearing a lot of people talking about Lars Van Trier's film Breaking the Waves recently. I didn't realize I have seen the 1996 film before. So I rented it. Failing to realize that I have seen and blocked out the last half of the last half because it is not feel good cinema. Anyhow I thought I would pass on my tip for DVD rentals.

Who touch the DVD in the case before you? You don't know so you have to protect yourself. This is what I do when I rent. I carry the DVD home without letting my pinky finger on the carry hand touch it. Then once I get home, I used the untainted pinky to open my DVD player. I then place the case on a section of carpet I don't travel on frequently or on the TV stand, noting that Lysol wiping will be in the future. I then insert the DVD in the DVD tray and then close it with the unsoiled finger. Wash your hands immediately and then enjoy your film (or slit your wrists, while watching it, like I felt like today.)

You're welcome.

I often fall: Patios should not have random step downs

On Thursday I was with some co-workers on the patio at Sweaty Betty's on Ossington. I was going to the washroom when I fell down one of the bar's few steps on the patio. In my typically smooth manner I fell into a short young lady shoving her and I into the fence with one hand, while the other hand spilled the drink I had on the both of us. She said "Whoa!" I said "Oh, my God, that didn't just happen I am so sorry. I often fall." She took it well. I felt like an ass.

Typically smooth move on my part.

Oy Vey!

Now I know...

So I was at Jill's fun indoor garden party (due to the thunderstorm minutes before it's start.) One of the guests brought a bottle of what I was running around telling people was Abstinence. I was soon corrected, Mark we are drinking Absinthe, not abstinence." Heath informs me. "Abstience is refraining from sex."

Nothing like Mark running around your party telling people telling guests that we are doing shots of "refraining from sex." I am pretty retarded.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Dance move of the week: The Sprinkler

Honestly, I am a bit disappointed in this one but since not blogging a lot since Mono, Cuba, Gym schedule. I felt I owed you something. Of course I put down a towel when I started to use props. There is no excuse for spitting on carpets.

Music to my ears: Tori, Tiga and Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs

Here is what I am loving right now. A great time for music.

Canadian DJ with this amazing dance hit. Best lines "I don't like my hair neat" "These shoes stay on my feet."

Tori Amos, Welcome to England, Back with an actually really good album, Abnormally Attacted to Sin. She is better when she is depressed but is happily married with young daughter Natasha. this album I would say is the best since Choir Girl Hotel.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs never disappoint and our my go gym kick music right now. Here's Zero.

And here is head's will roll.

I love it all.

Another wedding, another garter

I caught my second garter in the last few months this weekend at Juli and Dave's wedding reception in Woodstock this weekend. I'm 2 for 2 for weddings in Canada. I missed the garter in Cuba and the next day I missed these crazy Russians garter. The best man tried to kills me with flaming Sambucca shots with coffee beans in them.

As is tradition, I wore than the garter on my head.

Then I thought as is tradition with any blushing bride I should wear it on my leg. (I look drunk here, I probably was.)

I now safely stow both Rosemary and Juli's garter's on my lamp in my living, both the elastics are stretched to fit over my massive cranium.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Brushes with fame

Last weekend, I waited behind, singer Serena Ryder in the washroom line at Communist Daughter (no mother, I wasn't using the girls pisser, it's unisex private washrooms.) She asked how my night was. I giggled and said "You are Serena Ryder" giggle, giggle, giggle, giggle. "I am, and you are?" she said. "Mark, I just sang your song, little bit of red this morning" I replied. She said "I just sang it today too." She was nice. I got the same washroom as her. Who knows what was going on in the other one. It didn't smell. I like that and I like her. Here is her song.

Also this week I've been writing a script for Elvis Costello's show Spectacle which he has personally been looking over. That's all I'm gonna say.

Finger Nail Update

Almost good as new. Oscar Sunday was so bittersweet. I screwed up my nails but I did win the Oscar Pool at the Beaver. I am happy with progress as I am tired of walking the halls at work holding my hands like this:

So I was walking on the spot, then I realized I had a sloppy wardrobe malfunction and then I liked the song so I felt like dancing, then I couldn't get it to stop recording. Oh brother! What a day!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Tip: Always bend at the knees

Here is a tip, when you are tallest always bend at the knees when being photographed with shorter people. Other wise a seemingly banging bod will seem to have rolls that weren't there before.

Not only am I going to be a hunch back when I grow up since all my friends are practically under 5' (it's worth it) but also it makes my physique which I work on for atleast 5 hours a week seem not so hot. I am a very good friend.

What can James Ready do for you

Hi Friends,

So I am a weekly finalist in the What Can James Ready Do For You? Contest. Here is the deal. Go to this link right here.

Please give me an okay rating and then give my dear friend Joni Cassidy (she is on the same page) a higher mark. She injured herself in the Caribbean and her friends split the $8000 CAD hospital tab. No one likes to have poor friends and please give her great marks.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Happy Birthday Laura

Today is one of my little sister's 25th Birthday. Happy Birthday Laura!

Here is why Laura is fun:

1) I call her Boara because she was tubby for a bit of her childhood. (Yes, I am an asshole.)
2) She makes a mean nacho dip.
3) She is always up for watching cheesy girlie movies with me.
4) She calls me and tells me stories she thinks I would find enjoyable and usually they are.
5) She LOVES rules. I love rules. She loves them more.
6) We get annoyed by the same things. It's always nice to have someone to simultaneously roll your eyes with.
7) She gave me an ipod.
8) She was fun to beat up when she was younger. (Not acceptable now.)
9) She is 25 going on 80 and sadly me and her will probably end up living together in our old age alone and with many cats.
10) She is captain Christian! She has a really good heart!

Sunday, May 3, 2009

I won, I won, I won!!!!!!

...A Texas Micky at my brothers Buck and Doe in the twoonie toss last night. The perfect prize for someone who was just told by his doctor to cut back the sauce.

The night had everything I could ever ask for. Drinks, gambling, competition, shirts with names on them, a drunken brother, a tipsy sister-in-law, a father who was pleased with his horse race game performance, a white trash walk in who was up to no good and of course romance (actually there wasn't any romance but there was a whipped cream explosion.)