Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Dance move of the week: Cuban fun

So I had a wicked time in Cuba. Every night the entertainment team would do this dance. I did it on stage to. Here it is.

Finger nail update

A few hours later. Watch video.

Finger nail update post cuba

The salt water did a good job cleaning out my nail. I'm making that face because it goes well with the middle finger pose.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Happy 30th Belle

Today is one of my favourite lady's B-days! Happy Birthday Isobelle!

Here are just a few of the reasons Belle is so fab.

1) She has been a great friend for over 9 years.
2) She's a firecracker, Pow!
3) She tells amazing stories.
4) She's a great drinking buddy.
5) She gives me good fashion advice.
6) She's my sidekick.
7) She can laugh with me for hours.
8) She's a good pussy watcher.
9) She's pretty freaking cute.
10) She is real good company.

There is not enough time or numbers to continue this. She's pretty rad.

Happy Birthday Belle!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Owwwwwww! my eye

Tonight in the steam room at the Y. A man came in and tried to get the steam to come on. I so don't get this process. There is a tap in the wall. People fill water bottles and then climb a steep stool and squeeze the water bottle quickly to shoot the water up this pipe which then turns to steam.

Well, this dude squeezed the water bottle and water splashed into my eye. I was not impressed. Someone probably drank from that bottle. What lovely infection will I get in time for Cuba now. Last week someone filled their mouth with water and then spit into the pipe. I almost barfed all over the steam room. If I wasn't having sinus or allergy issues I wouldn't be so fond of the steam room.

While I am on this subject. I think bathing suits should be mandatory. I always wear them. No one wants to sit in your ass steam sweat. That's all I am saying. I usually stand, naturally.

Marky's tips for a going on trips

Here are tips I have for traveling to the Caribbean. You're going to want to write these down.

1) Pace yourself. It's trashy to be hammered by noon at an all inclusive. I usually don't drink until dinner. Liver's like this too.

2) Go to the travel clinic a month before travel. Get Twinrix and Dukoral for diaharia (sp?). I failed to do this time so he is hoping. Also bring the pharmacy with you. Bring immodium, pepto pills (not the liquid that's gross,) Cold and Sinus medicine, Perkocets, valium, prozac and ruthies for the annoying drunk jocks, that will put them out and give you a night of peace.

3) Lysol Wipes. I can't stress this enough. Wipe everything as soon as you get there. Counter tops, inside of drawers, bath tub, door handles, The Bible, remote, telephone, head board, etc.)

4) Love your anus. All the drinking and unlimited food may catch up with you. Bring Charmin brand toliet paper and also moist flushable wipes. This will make the daily droppings go much smoother. Literally.

5) Tip! Tip the bartenders and maids. Giving bartenders cash upfront early on will make them remember you for the whole trip. Leave your left over shampoos and conditioners for the maids. Money is good too. Notebooks are key for the keys. They are hard to get in the 3rd world countries.

6) Don't over pack! I always do and have to pay. I have been going to the gym so maybe my guns will work in my favour this time.

7) Sunscreen is key. Skin cancer is serious and burnt skin is not cute skin.

8) Book the a la carte restaurants as soon as possible once you arrive. It's better food and fills up quick,

9) Do not climb flag poles. They are for flags not people.

10) Do thank the people who care for your pussy while you are away. Thanks Heath, Belle and Michelle!

11) Do bring self help books and lend them to annoying people at the resort.

12) Bathing suits are fun. Bring lots.

13) Don't gamble when hammered. Believe me!!!!!!!! (I like how this is tip 13)

I think that's all.
You're Welcome!

I hope FIdel likes it

Here is my new shorter 'do for my Cuban adventures.Thanks again Michelle!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Cuban words of the day

Here are some Spanish words of the day (I'm a few days behind.) I'll show you a famous Cuban for each word as well.

Gloria Estefan
Damn Hell - Conyo Carajo
Gloria probably thought this after she was hit by a bus in the 90s. She is okay now.

Desi Arnaz

Shit - Mierda
You got to be shitting me if you didn't think Desi dropped the S or shoud I say M bomb.

Eva Mendes

Because I flipping feel like it - Porque de la realismia
This could be Eva's response when asked about why she takes bad roles such as like in the Women. Or it could be that it's all the work she can get.

Andy Garcia

I have the fire of the sun in my pants - Tengo el fuego del sol en mis pantalones
Andy was over heard yelling this after eating chilli. Wowzers!

Celia Cruz
You Slut - que zorra!
Singer Celia Cruz must have yelled this at some time to Gloria Estefan. You know those fiery Cuban ladies. Hmmm. Do you think the curtain matches the rug?

This is gross: hanging on for dear life

Finger nail update. The one of my middle finger is on it's way off. So gross. A new nail has begun to grow pushing the old one up. Not helping is when I get nervous I pick at it. So not something you would think I would do but yes, I occasionally pick it wounds.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Unky Mark has the...

cutest nephews ever...

Best overheard conversation

I was walking down Bloor Street by my house the other when we heard the best conversation ever. Here is how it went down.

Woman 1: Oh you have to do it on drugs...When I first got waxed.....


Women 1: HAHAHAHAHAH. (they laughed at me and Heath laughing at theem.)

that's all.

This gives hope to all us cat people

This was pretty cool. Susan Boyle, this 47 year old unemployed cat lady sang on England's Got Talent and did an amazing job. She has never been on a date in her life. She better check out my recent post about mowing the lawn because this bitch is about to be famous! She gives hope to all the cat people out there who are growing to grow old and lonely with lots of cats (including me.)

A reminder that I am not singer because my grade four teacher, one Mrs. Api Stager, told me I sing off key and should lip synch in music to not throw off the other students, well that and the fact that I don't sing well.

Dance move of the week: Dog can dance

What to do when dog sitting for the week. Dance with the son of a bitch of course.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Cuba Calling: Spanish pharse of the day

I'll be in sunny Cuba in less than 2 weeks. Everyday I will present a new word of you.

This will come into play if some lady rubs me the wrong way.

Besa mi culo, puto
Meaning "Kiss my ass, Bitch"

Now this is a bargain: Ben and Jerry's

For someone whose freezer is pure bullshit, small sizes of ice cream are my favourite. Shopper's drug Mart has a sale on Ben and Jerry's this week. Only $4.99 for their pints. Now that is a bargain. I got Half Baked, a mix of chocolate and vanilla with brownie and cookie dough chunks. I ate a good portion of it, watched Bedknobs and Broomsticks and smoked a big fatty.

Actually I didn't smoke a fatty. I don't like that. I like rules and laws.

Overhead, old lady hair lightening

My good pal Heath told me about a time he overheard some old lady's talk about hair lightening. The old broad's tip was "I drip dry in the sun as often as possible." Words well well spoken. I thought it was hilarious. = Maybe that's Cindy McCain's secret.

It's a buck and doe y'all

My brother Dave is getting married this summer, I should know the date but I don't at this time. If you are interested in going please contact your nearest Craig or buy at the door. It's in Kitchener on May 2. It's a super hero theme. I will be dressed as Clark Kent. I blocked out the location so that my blog stalkers don't show up to profess their love to me.

Hey, it could happen.

Finger nail update

Well, they are still quite gross but they are starting to grow out. The sketchy doctor at the sketchy walk in clinic who mis-diagnosed my mono as a throat infection and then gave me a a child's dose of antibiotics to fight it off said they wouldn't fall off. I don't trust him. My good real doctor thinks I may loose one. I hate them, they scare some people, people are disgusted and I am not crazy about them.

Mya looks pretty grossed out about them but Mya Pussy is a bitch this weekend. She scratched my neck and almost sliced my jugular wide open. She drew a lot of blood and I have a noticeable scratch.

First sunburn of the season

Today I got my first sunburn of the 2009 Spring/Summer Season. This will lead to a lecture from my Brother Tim who plans radiation treatment for cancer patients. I guess it's time to load up on good quality high SPF facial sun screen. I've said it before and I will say it again. Skin is a gift.

Friday Falls: Spike, Set Match

Best Commercial Ever

Song and Dance plus female pubic hair removal. How fun!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

5 minute cake

Most food posts get a yummy right off the top. I can't give this post a yummy until I try it probably this weekend.

Check this shit out, I did not write the text:

Most dangerous cake recipe in the world

4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar

2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk

3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla extract
1 large microwave safe coffee mug

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly.Pour in the milk and oil and mix well.Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again.

Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts.
The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.
EAT! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous)

why it's the most dangerous cake recipe in the world !

Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night!

I'm back bitches!

Hey There,

Thanks for sticking out my grandular fever outbreak. I feel almost as good as new, although 8 hour work days have been a bit tiresome I've been managing okay. Still no gym which is kind of sad. I am supposed to take a month off but with a trip to Cuba coming on April 18th beach bod seems more important than the possibility of a ruptured spleen. Here is where your spleen is if you didn't know. I better read up on my travel medical insurance coverage.

What else has happened while I have been sleeping for about 18 hours a day....We'll before I knew I had mono my cousin's Chris, Melissa, Kendra and Jeff were in town for a Friday night. We had a nice time and talked about how our parent's are obsessed with the weather. My dad still recommends that I don't leave the house while it's raining. Stuff like that. The Switch played another show and it was great. I went to a cowboys and native american party. I was a cowboy. Although I made a super cute cowboy, I looked a little strange and slightly crazy in this picture.
I was the only one with a lasso, now that is clever. Yesterday I directed a Home Hardware spot at Allan Garden's in Toronto. It went well, expect the camera broke, this has never happened to me before. We were able to get a new. Allan Garden's is really nice. It's a free flower and plant conservatory just east of Downtown which was really nice. Unfortunately hardly anyone goes there. Maybe it's because of the Hookers on the corner of Jarvis and Gerard or maybe the gross park you have to go through to get there. This park is literally gross, I had to carefully run through it, arms flailing, avoiding used comdoms and dirty herion needles. So not my scene.

There you have it new post and a long one to. To all the Nick's, Michelle's, Elle's and Laura B's who had comments to say about my lack of blogging screw you! I was sick. I could have died.

Here comes the fun,

blog note: There will be no blogging April 18-25.